Lauren Sanchez's Boobs Get Married Today
Venice is a beautiful backdrop
One of my most popular posts on my blog ChumpLady.com was “Lauren Sanchez’s Boobs.” That was before Google censorship forced me to take it down. (Yet, it achieved #1 Google rank for Lauren Sanchez’s boobs. WHY GOOGLE?) But I thought in honor of her nuptials today to Amazon broligarch Jeff Bezos I would run it here for posterity.
I always wonder what the monogamy-challenged see in marriage. But I think the answer in Lauren’s case, beyond lavishly catered parties, A-list celebrities, and bling, it’s a chance to showcase her boobs. To hydraulically lift them into a dizzying assortment of evening gowns. And what better backdrop for impression management (I’M A WIFE NOW, NOT A SIDE CHICK! ) than Venice.
The grandeur, the gondolas, the screaming peasants launching effigies of your beloved fiancee into lagoons. Lauren Sanchez’s boobs have arrived.
Lauren Sanchez’s boobs
Lauren Sanchez's boobs attended a White House dinner this week. Ostensibly, this event was to welcome the prime minister of Japan to Washington, D.C. during cherry blossom season. The actual star of the show was Jeff Bezos's mistress's décolletage.
Vacuum-packed into a red-lace couture corset from Frederick's of Hollywood, Lauren Sanchez's boobs were unavailable for comment, as they were slowly suffocating. However, their spokesperson, Lauren Sanchez, said via Instagram "Can't wait to show you more tomorrow."
More?
How much more do we need to see, Lauren? Are the girls having a coming-out party?
Avert your eyes! That bodice could explode at any moment! Nothing but a clenched fist on a granite countertop holds back our innocence.
Tracy, I can't handle this much boob-age before breakfast.
I'm sorry, Lauren Sanchez's breasts demand your full attention.
Were there other guests in attendance, such as the President of the United States, Robert DeNiro or Mr. Thingamawhozzit of Apple computers? No. There was only Lauren's knockers. Boobs of such magnificence they created a path of totality.
Were you a lesser being eclipsed by Lauren Sanchez's boobs? Accept your obsolescence. We can't all dress like tarted-up Renaissance Faire wenches or Miss Kitty's latest backroom saloon recruit.
Who wore it best? Miss Kitty or Lauren Sanchez?
Why are you being so mean about Lauren Sanchez?
Can't the Other Woman make a fashion gaff now and then? Just because she sucks the dick of the patriarchy doesn't make her a bad person.
I'm giving Lauren Sanchez the attention she so desperately craves. Imagine the pick me dance that woman must live daily to keep the attentions of human dildo Jeff Bezos. If she injects anything else into her body, we'll have a silicon shortage.
Poor Lauren won him, now she has to keep him.
Meanwhile, MacKenzie Scott is somewhere in sweatpants giving away billions to charity living her best life. #TeamMacKenzie
I will never understand paying a doctor to make yourself look the way Lauren Sanchez does on purpose. (Or Kristi Noem, or the Kardashians, or any other awful rich person who has overdone it on the plastic surgery.) I’m not a hater of plastic surgery; I had my nose fixed years ago and I actually think, in the right quantities or for the right reasons, plastic surgery can be life-changing. But like the “diamond noses” of rhinoplasties past, plastic surgery like Lauren’s just looks artificial and, frankly, inhuman. As a historian I feel pretty strongly that future generations are going to look back on women like Sanchez and Noem in the same way that we look back at powdered wigs or foot-binding: “what the hell were they even thinking??”
“Just because she sucks the dick of the patriarchy doesn't make her a bad person.” This is so great, we ought to be reading it everywhere Cristi Noem, Tulsi Gabbard