Her Good Husband Uses Prostitutes

He wasn't as wonderful as he seemed.

This was a letter I received that Google censored on my blog and now lives here at Substack. This woman makes the shocking, yet sadly not uncommon, discovery that her husband has a hooker habit.

---

Hi Chump Lady,

I (29F) am about 2 months out from D-Day, separated from my husband of three years, and your blog and book have been really helpful in helping me process things.

We are going through a divorce and while I am definitely not ready for someone new now, I am hopeful for the future. The thing is, I am terrified that the same thing will happen to me again. My fear comes from how my husband was when we first met.

He SEEMED wonderful: thoughtful, considerate, kind.

Like he was reciprocal and in a lot of ways did more for me than I did for him. He always let me go on his phone and laptop. He was good with his time and gave me a lot of attention. And, he went above and beyond for both his family and mine. This was true even during our marriage. We spent all day texting while we were at work and spent our evenings/weekends together.

The entitlement didn't start to show its ugly head (at least to me) until maybe a year ago in various ways. And then 2 months ago I found out he had been seeing prostitutes throughout our marriage (maybe even before, who knows).

I now trust that he sucks 100%. But if you had asked me 2 months ago, I would have comfortably bet my life he wasn't capable of cheating.

Do you have any advice for fixing a picker or seeing through the bullshit when someone seems like a good partner/person? I'm scared about investing time or even getting married again, just for the ugliness to come out later on like it did with my FW.

Sincerely,

Hopeless Romantic

---

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

Intimacy makes us vulnerable. That's the dark side of loving anything. So, no, I don't have a guarantee against heartbreak. Going forward, there's only your boundaries -- what's acceptable to you -- and your resiliency.

You control what you accept, and I applaud you for ending the marriage.

It might feel like the inevitable conclusion, but I'm sure other women have discovered their husbands see prostitutes and stayed. Not because it was acceptable to them (I'm a huge skeptic of "tolyamory"), but for economic vulnerability or cultural messages that buying sex workers is Just What Men Do. And we must eat the shit sandwich because Jesus thinks we're a failure if we divorce, so some other such bullshit.

But you rejected that, so good on you. Now you're worried about the next one...

What are the odds a guy will hire a sex worker?

Startlingly, there's not a lot of data on this. The most recent study was over a decade ago, which reported that 14 percent of men will pay for sex in their lifetime, but only 1 percent had bought sex that year.

"While it is noteworthy to recognize that the 1 percent of adult men who paid for sex in 2010 still result in a large number of customers, there is no credible evidence to support the idea that hiring sex workers is a common or conventional aspect of masculine sexual behavior among men in the United States," study researcher Christine Milrod, of the University of Portland, said in a statement.

My inbox begs to differ. But I hope we can safely say that this is a minority of men.

This part interested me, however.

The super misogynists who make a hobby of this tend to be privileged men with incomes and entitlement issues.

More distinct characteristics, however, emerge among avid customers of prostitutes who self-identify as "hobbyists" and post on message boards that review call girls. A survey of men in this online community revealed that a substantial portion of them are married, white, earn over $120,000 per year, have graduate degrees and think about sex more (and feel less guilty about it), compared with other groups of men, including those who have been arrested for hiring prostitutes on the street.

Men of this more privileged class that cruise the Internet instead of the sidewalks for sex also have different views about prostitution. Compared with men who have been arrested for soliciting a prostitute, the "hobbyists" are more likely to say that prostitution should be legal, that they would marry a prostitute and that prostitutes enjoy their work, the researchers found.

Anyone who thinks prostitutes enjoy their work needs to read Paid For by former prostitute Rachel Moran (who objects to the term "sex work" because it doesn't imply coercion). It's an absolutely sobering account of what it's like to be trafficked to service men.

How to avoid another John

I am definitely not ready for someone new now, I am hopeful for the future. The thing is, I am terrified that the same thing will happen to me again.

Be clear with your future partners how you feel about prostitution. And see if they share your values. Of course, people can lie, but I think there are many misogynistic tropes to watch for. The whole happy hooker narrative, entitlement issues around sex -- that sexual novelty trumps ethics, that if men don't get the kind of sex they're looking for they have a "right" to get it elsewhere.

You describe an agreeable man who paid you attention and gave of his time. But did he treat you with respect? Does he treat the women in his life with respect? Does he thrill to a power imbalance? You didn't give me enough data to go on. But here's what buying sex says to me:

• He's okay having sex with someone who has zero attraction to him.

• Purchasing people and reviewing them like Amazon purchases doesn't bother his conscience.

• He's okay risking your health to get his dick wet.

Real men, who love women, respect women.

It should hurt him to hurt you. That's the baseline for any partner -- your welfare matters. I know you trust that he sucks, but going forward hold the bar high.

I now trust that he sucks 100%. But if you had asked me 2 months ago, I would have comfortably bet my life he wasn't capable of cheating.

You can only know about as much of a person as they will reveal. You didn't make a mistake -- he deceived you. Sure, the gift of chumpdom is discernment -- we learn from this shitshow, but we have to be careful not to tip into victim-blaming. Oh, if only you'd seen the signs! He kept his secret sexual basement SECRET for a reason -- it preserved his entitlement.

Tracy, this is not a warm, fuzzy endorsement of future happiness.

I don't believe all future partners suck. I don't believe you need to be partnered to be happy. There are many, many different ways to build a life.

I'm scared about investing time or even getting married again, just for the ugliness to come out later on like it did with my FW.

Grab life by the curly shorthairs. It will be okay. You only control your side of the investment. I have two "failed" marriages and I didn't die. In fact, the older I get the prouder I am that I walked away from those two fuckwits. It took guts. They didn't value me and I knew I deserved better.

Today, I have better. And I don't just mean Mr. CL. I have better clarity about my self-worth. And that's what I wish for you -- better clarity about your self-worth. You just rejected a man with a double life. That's an excellent start. I wish you a lifetime of high standards and better company. Big ((hugs)).